Having Your Feelings Hurt Gracefully

The other day I had a bit of a falling out with a friend. Here, in essence, was the conversation:

Friend: You can't come to the party.
Me: I really really want to come.
(repeat ad nauseam)
Friend: I feel like I'm talking with a six year old.
Me: I feel like I'm talking with a nazi.

Just kidding, I had no such presence of mind towards the end there. It went more like this.

Friend: I feel like I'm talking with a six year old.
Me: ...
Friend: Are you going to cry?
Me: Probably.

So my feelings were quite hurt, though to my friend's defense, the dynamics of our relationship did not make that clear. Perhaps you could describe my friend is a teaser, and me as... the guy who gets teased in a long suffering, gracious, humorous way. Normally this is a fine, fun arrangement. I've been a little unstable lately though. In this case I went home bummed out, thought it through, and called back with this gem of a conversation (in essence):

Me: You really hurt my feelings. Fuck you, I'm coming anyway.
Friend: Fine, do what you want, but you do not get to talk to me that way.

And you know what? My friend was absolutely right because there is a big difference between teasing someone / giving them a hard time, and intentionally trying to hurt them. I was an asshole, and that sucked for my friend. Moreover, it sucked for me, because as Bobby Bare, Jr. points out, the blame is better to give than it is to get.

Take a moment to let the jam packed wisdom of that last paragraph sink in.

We've both since apologized, said some nice things, and otherwise got the ship more or less on an even keel. It was painful and weird though, and it always bums me out to realize I was the asshole, so it's something I hope to avoid in the future. As is my wont, I over-thought it for a couple of days solid and here's what I came up with: a strategy for having your feelings hurt gracefully.

When a friend hurts your feelings, take a moment to piece together what exactly it is that's rubbing you the wrong way. Then, say something along these lines:

You're really hurting my feelings. (Clearly and concisely explain why)

For example, "That comment makes me look stupid. It really hurt my feelings," or "You are really hurting my feelings. That's a dumb reason to exclude me from a party I am so excited about."

Then, I suppose the conversation could go one of two ways. Your friend may grasp how important the situation is to you, and like the decent friend they are, apologize and make it right. If so, wonderful, you go about the business of enjoying each others company.

Or, your friend may turn out to be human, and not have the presence of mind to change direction, or may have other reasons, or whatever, and stick to their guns. In this case, my guess is that you need to take off and regroup. Then as soon as you can do so calmly and without malice
1. Ask for their side of the story
2. Explain yourself more thoroughly
3. Describe what they need to do to make it up to you.
Like I said earlier, don't do or say anything you're going to need to apologize for later. That's for everyone's benefit, but mostly yours. Let's all just admit that Bobby Bare, Jr. is absolutely right.

If that still doesn't work, I suppose you have to sit it out, or try to have fun with them to smooth it over (more on that later). But hopefully they're a good friend and they'll apologize and make it up to you (more on that too).

Now it's got to be pretty difficult to have the presence of mind to follow through on that plan when you're in the thick of having your heart broken. I'm going to guess that like anything difficult in life, you really need to practice if you want to get it right. Good luck with that.

Anyway, now I really want to try this out, which puts me in the strange position of wanting somebody to hurt my feelings.